I live in Northern Michigan where we have a very short spring season. I think spring around here is about 2 or 3 weeks maximum. Our summer season is usually about 2 and a half to 3 months long. Our Fall season is also short, usually lasting maybe a month. Then we get the majority of our season: WINTER. And boy does it get cold. And the snow is unbelievable. We have the lake effect snow where I live…duh! We live in the GREAT LAKE region…hint hint about the whole lake effect snow. LOL. We are usually pretty good about getting ready for winter, bunkering down when we get major storms, and driving in weather that have other people shuddering at the horror of the weather. I was visiting my mother who lives in Flint during one winter and they shut down the school when it snowed 2 inches. 2 INCHES!!! I couldn’t believe it. We get two feet and many people put their vehicle in four wheel drive, grab their skis, snowmobiles, or snow shoes and get to where they are going. We are tough people here in the lower peninsula. Even though we are used to the cold wintry weather here in northern Michigan, by the time February or March hits we are ready for some warmer weather and less white stuff! So with that in mind and with the fact that I am ready to put my bathing suit on and go swimming, I have decided to have some fun with this chilly Michigan winter by writing about thirteen ways to keep warm in the winter. These are in no particular order. And I hope they aren’t hazardous to your health…although I did state quite clearly that us northern Michiganders are hardy people. So use extreme caution when attempting some of these more dangerous stunts to keep warm.

-Drinking hot cocoa. There is nothing like going outside and sledding, riding snowmobiles, skiing, or doing other types of winter sports. But when you come in, you want to warm up fast. That is when you have the magical homebody (that is me) who knows what is needed to warm up the winter people. I usually make a nice full pot of hot water and allow everyone to make their own. Because as most people know, some people like their hot cocoa with tons of chocolate and some like it barely flavoring the water (gag!)

-Take a hot shower. Now I do not recommend doing this right away. Because as anyone who has dealt with cold weather knows, if you immediately jump in the hot shower, your body feels like there are a million and one knives stabbing you from head to toe. And nothing says AHHHHH like tiny stabbing sensations; especially in those regions we call…the unmentionables.

-Get some thermal underwear. There is nothing sexy about it but damn if it doesn’t keep your Behind warm. It may not scream…WORLD’S SEXIEST MAMA! But it will keep your butt cold during the long winter nights. Because as my husband has told me time and again…”there is nothing like being nice and cozy warm under the blankets and then suddenly your cold @ss is right up against me!”

-Electric Blankets work wonders too. For those of you who need them, the wonderful world of electric blankets will keep you toasty warm when the wind howls and the snow flies like crazy. But be warned that your significant other may decide that they need this blanket all to themselves. Then suddenly you are back to having a cold @ss…

-Flannel pajamas. Here is another way to keep warm during the night. And again, you will not find some sexy model wearing them in the lingerie magazines. Because again these warm pjs don’t scream SEXY! I can just imagine if the lingerie line were to include flannel pjs. There would be two tiny bits for the boobs and one triangle for the front of your “unmentionables” with a flannel dental floss for your behind. Now doesn’t that just scream COLD!!! LOL.

-A nice hot bucket of water sitting by your chair. Yet again, DO NOT…I repeat…do not attempt to step into this nice steaming bucket of H2O when you first come in. Because you will scream like a prepubescent boy.

-Wear the right outer gear. Hello! This is winter in northern Michigan. And going without the right coat, hat, boots, and gloves is just downright stupid. Wake up people and smell the ice!

-Thermal Socks are another great investment. I love to walk and while I do wear the correct outer clothing along with double layered pants and shirts, my feet always seem to freeze. Thermal socks work great to keep the cold out. Plus if you decide to be stupid enough to put your feet into hot water as soon as you get back home, you won’t scream so loud. LOL.

-Cuddling. Grab a blanket. It doesn’t even have to be heated. Sit next to your lovely honey and cuddle. Nothing warms you up faster than another person’s body heat. Plus it might get you IN THE MOOD.

-Sex. Well duh! While being cold doesn’t always make your body scream for sex, it is a great way to get warm. Plus it relieves any tension you have had.

-If you happen to be outside without gloves on and want to heat up your hands, put them under your armpits. That is one of the warmest areas of your body. The other is between your thighs but somehow I think people might get the wrong impression if you hands suddenly go down your pants and lay in between your thighs by your unmentionables. LOL.

-If for some reason you are stranded somewhere that does not have shelter or heat, you need to get warm quickly. The best thing you can do is bury yourself in snow. Give yourself enough room to breathe but do not leave any big holes. This will allow the heat you are creating to escape. Make sure to mark your spot with something out of the ordinary. Grab a stick and put a hair ribbon, a condom, or something colorful on the end and stab it into the mound you are going to be underneath. It will allow someone to find you if you are lost.

-Drink warm water while you are outside. It may seem weird but one of the worst things you can do is drink something cold while out in the cold. By drinking something cold, it will drop your internal temperature down fast which will make frostbite and hypothermia all the more realistic. You must drink water, especially if you are going to be out in the weather all day. You cannot afford to become dehydrated. If you are lost and do not have water, then grab some clean snow. No…not the yellow stuff! The nice white stuff. But do NOT swallow it. Allow it to melt in your mouth and then spit it out. This will allow you to stay hydrated but will not bring your core temperature down.

If none of these work for you or you find yourself still complaining about the cold, then I suggest you find somewhere else to live. Because you will find the cold gets worse with age. And us Michiganders are tough people. The one thing we have a hard time with is whiners. So if you don’t like the cold…I suggest moving somewhere warmer!

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